Ellie, You were only with me for a few short weeks. I was shocked and scared when I found out about you. I panicked, thought that my only option was to have an abortion. Your dad and me weren’t together anymore. Didn’t think I could do it on my own. So we made an appointment with the doctor to arrange an abortion. There were 2 weeks to wait. In that time I got used to the idea of having you. I would look through catalogues, picking things I would buy for you. I realised that I wanted you, but I was still scared. Becoming a mum’s a big thing. We still went to the appointment at the hospital; I wanted to see how you were doing. See you on the monitor moving about. Nothing could have prepared me for what they told me. I hadn’t had any bleeding, no pain, nothing. Had no idea that something was wrong, but their faces said it all. They told me that they thought you were gone but to come back in a week to get it confirmed. My heart broke when they said that. Going back the next week and getting it all confirmed was even worse than hearing it for the first time. You see even though I had started bleeding lightly, I still wanted you to be there. Hoped that I would go and they would tell me that everything was Ok, that I was still having you. But they didn’t. Instead they booked me in for an operation. Told me that you had died at 5 weeks. I had no idea. Seems my body didn’t want to let you go. Wanted to keep you safe inside me. I didn’t need the operation though, because on the 21st June 2009 you left me. The physical pain of losing you was awful, but it was nothing compared to what I felt after. I have cried so many tears for you. Tried so many different things to try and ease my grief. That’s why I named you, didn’t want you called ‘it’. You weren’t an ‘it’, you were my beautiful baby. I so wish that I could have held you in my arms, looked into your gorgeous eyes. But it wasn’t to be little one. Don’t ever think that I have forgotten you, or that I don’t love you. I do love you, more than words can say I do. I think of you every single day. You were my baby, and nothing can take that away from me. No matter what anyone says I am a mum, your mum. My heart still breaks when I think of all the things I’ll miss. But I get comfort in thinking that I’ll be with you one day. I will hold you in my arms, look after you. Until then though, Di will look after you for me. He’ll love you so much. So for a little while, until I can be with you I need to say goodbye and let you be with the angels, even though it breaks my heart to do it. I know that this is what is best for you. I will never ever forget you. I love you Ellie, always and forever. Sleep tight angel. Love always Mummy XXX XX X